I am a Mom :-)

Ladies, I wrote this the other night after I had put Gabriel to bed. I wanted to share this with you all. This is me being very vulnerable in my challenges as a Mother. Hope you enjoy... sorry it's kind of long

I feel like the fog over my life is finally starting to lift. It has been a crazy last year really. I never knew what being pregnant and having a baby would do to my life. I feel like for a while I just didn’t really know what to do other than just function… live. It was day after day…get as much sleep as possible, change diapers , maybe eat if I remembered, clean the house, and do the laundry. If I am truly honest, I was depressed and felt like my life had no hope. I didn’t know how to live life… everything seemed so hard. All my fantasies of what life was going to be like were quickly shattered. Why? I couldn’t DO anything anymore. All the things that I thought I was so good that made me who I was, I couldn’t do anymore. I was stuck. STUCK. There was nothing I could do at this point for me to earn love anymore. No one to see me to tell me I was doing a good job and how well I was loving Jesus anymore. The baby didn’t have the power to communicate how well I was doing. I was stuck. Not only that, but I wasn’t in the same intimate place that I had been with Cory. Oh it was so hard at first. I felt like we had to figure out how to be married again. How did we communicate, how did we get quality time together now? How did we encounter God together again? Those times on the platform together… how sweet they were. I loved prophesying with Cory! I loved feeling the Lord’s heart over us together, weeping together. Getting amazing revelation in the Word, together. Now that the baby was here, Cory got to go to the prayer room… spend this intimate time with other people…even harder, other women, and me… well I got to stay at home and take care of a baby all by myself. I had no idea what I was doing or even what to do. I felt like a baby learning to walk. It felt so unnatural. It was like I had to make my legs move. They wouldn’t do it on their own. They were too weak.

Gabriel was precious. He was so gracious and patient with me. He just loved me through every trial, every mistake, every tear. Always loyal, always faithful to give me a big smile, even while the tears were rolling down my face. I thought that being a Mom was going to be so easy. I felt in shock of the reality of the way things were. I was going to keep singing, preaching, leading, and have a baby…all at the same time. I was not going to be like the other Moms’ I had seen who just disappeared off the face of the earth once their baby came. No siree! I was going to be SUPER MOM! I was strong, passionate, and SOO in love with Jesus. I had made up my mind, and this was how it was going to be. I knew it. Life was going to be perfect. We were going to be the perfect little family, and everyone was going to wish they were us. Boy, was I ever wrong.

I remember nothing went the way I had planned and prayed from the moment I went into labor. I had believed with all my heart, and prayed countless hours for my labor. It wasn’t what I had expected at all. It was HARD. Some women say that they just want to die… I didn’t want to die, I just wanted it all to stop. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t in control. Before then I had been able to dictate almost every area of my life. Now, I was just on the train of pain, and there were no stops or breaks, nope, I had to stay on til’ it was all finished.

After 19 hours of the worst pain I have ever experienced, and some stitches down below, Gabriel was in my arms, nursing, happy. Everything seemed to be going well, but I was bothered inside. Where were the overflowing emotions of love for my baby I had heard numerous mothers talk about? I didn’t feel anything, but sheer exhaustion. I remember feeling relieved that Gabriel was out, but besides that I just felt awkward. What did we do now with this baby?

Cory was such a champ! He was born to be a Dad! From day one it was as if he knew everything Gabriel needed. Really, it seemed that Cory had more maternal instincts than I! I was glad that at least one of us felt some kind of confidence.

That week was the week straight from hell. Seriously. I experienced emotions I have NEVER felt before. I was so depressed that I didn’t know how to live. I remember asking my Mom what was wrong with me. At first, since I have never been depressed a day in my life before then, I thought that I must be so tired. Then I finally realized that I was depressed. On top of all those emotions my breasts were not cooperating with me. I got some very intense breast infections. Wow, talk about painful. The little sleep I could have gotten was interrupted by chills from high fevers and intense episodes of shaking. It is no fun to try and breast feed while you are shaking, freezing, sweating, and your baby is screaming. Thank you Jesus that you got me through that first couple weeks! So, after going through all the emotions of feeling shame, and condemnation that I was a horrible mother… we decided to go with formula. I felt like somehow I had to start enjoying my baby, and maybe this was my lifeline.

Life did get so much easier for me once we switched Gabriel over. Cory could help me feed him, and we could double team a lot more. I needed Cory, so badly at this time. Even now as I think back it makes me cry. He was such a good support to me. He was never once negative or short with me. I was so hard to deal with I’m sure, but he never let on to that. He loved me so well. He prayed with me when I would wake up with night sweats, reliving the trauma of the birth. He would speak truth over me every time I would start to feel like there was no hope.

Every day, every minute, was a fight. There was a real enemy, not to mention a ton of hormones, to fight everyday. I finally realized that most of my depression was closely related to the fact that I though Jesus had abandoned me when I needed him the most. I thought he had forsaken me while I was going through labor. Had he ignored every prayer I had prayed? Had he left me out alone to do it on my own?

Once I got this revelation I could start getting hope and freedom. I will never forget the night my freedom began. Cory and I were listening to the webstream, and our team began to sing Psalm 23. They started literally prophesying over me. That He never left me, He will never leave me. I was balling on the floor. Cory was just speaking truth over me. I began to sing the truth over myself. “You will never leave me, You will never forsake me”. Later we went to the first awakening meeting at FSM. Thank the Lord that I had these to run to!

The next couple of weeks were a slow, but sure victory over depression and oppression. The enemy was out to get me for sure. He was determined to take the gift of motherhood from me! Which brings me to now. Gabriel is 4 ½ months old. The other morning I was in the shower (don’t get to take those very often ;-)), and really asking the Lord some questions. I was about to go to a meeting with a group of people that meant a whole lot to me, and new that now because I am a Mom that we were not going to be able to run together the way we had been. My heart was sad, and I wanted to go into our last meeting together knowing how my Father felt about where I was, and what I was doing. He spoke to me so clearly. “ Anna, the enemy is trying to steel motherhood from you.” As I looked back on the months prior, I realized all the different things that had really been the enemy trying to steal from me the gift of motherhood. I couldn’t believe it! I was so mad at the devil! Then the Holy Spirit went on to tell me that I have to get this mom thing. It’s way bigger than even Gabriel, but I am to be a Mother to many! I have to give myself to this season of motherhood with everything in me. I have to learn to be like Jesus, serving and loving, when no one is looking. This is so imperative to my calling.

When the HS spoke this to me, it was like a light bulb went on in a dark room. I got this zeal inside of me to be a Mother, and to not let the enemy steal this from me! My prayers were fueled to ask for more and more love for my child, and to be taught how to be a good Mom.

Now, I feel my heart overflowing. Even right now I’m crying. I am so in love with my little boy. He is the joy of my heart. His little smiles and bright little eyes cause my heart to erupt with emotion! How wise it was of the Lord to send me such a gift. You see, Gabriel doesn’t just need me… I have needed him. He is my gift to teach me how to love, serve, and so much more. He has brought more joy into my home than could ever be contained inside of the biggest buildings in the world. I will be a Mom, and with the grace of God working in me, I will be a darn good one! Yes, I am stilled called to be a prophetic singer, teacher, and so on, but my calling has expanded and been promoted to that of a Mother too. Oh that I would be able to be the Mother God intended me to be, and that I would carry that heart for many in the years to come.

So, yes, I feel the fog lifting, and excitement/zeal/and love arising in my heart. Oh the possibilities before me! Oh the adventures, and stories that are awaiting me! I am a Mother, and this will not be stolen from me!!! ~Anna