I am a Mom :-)

Ladies, I wrote this the other night after I had put Gabriel to bed. I wanted to share this with you all. This is me being very vulnerable in my challenges as a Mother. Hope you enjoy... sorry it's kind of long

I feel like the fog over my life is finally starting to lift. It has been a crazy last year really. I never knew what being pregnant and having a baby would do to my life. I feel like for a while I just didn’t really know what to do other than just function… live. It was day after day…get as much sleep as possible, change diapers , maybe eat if I remembered, clean the house, and do the laundry. If I am truly honest, I was depressed and felt like my life had no hope. I didn’t know how to live life… everything seemed so hard. All my fantasies of what life was going to be like were quickly shattered. Why? I couldn’t DO anything anymore. All the things that I thought I was so good that made me who I was, I couldn’t do anymore. I was stuck. STUCK. There was nothing I could do at this point for me to earn love anymore. No one to see me to tell me I was doing a good job and how well I was loving Jesus anymore. The baby didn’t have the power to communicate how well I was doing. I was stuck. Not only that, but I wasn’t in the same intimate place that I had been with Cory. Oh it was so hard at first. I felt like we had to figure out how to be married again. How did we communicate, how did we get quality time together now? How did we encounter God together again? Those times on the platform together… how sweet they were. I loved prophesying with Cory! I loved feeling the Lord’s heart over us together, weeping together. Getting amazing revelation in the Word, together. Now that the baby was here, Cory got to go to the prayer room… spend this intimate time with other people…even harder, other women, and me… well I got to stay at home and take care of a baby all by myself. I had no idea what I was doing or even what to do. I felt like a baby learning to walk. It felt so unnatural. It was like I had to make my legs move. They wouldn’t do it on their own. They were too weak.

Gabriel was precious. He was so gracious and patient with me. He just loved me through every trial, every mistake, every tear. Always loyal, always faithful to give me a big smile, even while the tears were rolling down my face. I thought that being a Mom was going to be so easy. I felt in shock of the reality of the way things were. I was going to keep singing, preaching, leading, and have a baby…all at the same time. I was not going to be like the other Moms’ I had seen who just disappeared off the face of the earth once their baby came. No siree! I was going to be SUPER MOM! I was strong, passionate, and SOO in love with Jesus. I had made up my mind, and this was how it was going to be. I knew it. Life was going to be perfect. We were going to be the perfect little family, and everyone was going to wish they were us. Boy, was I ever wrong.

I remember nothing went the way I had planned and prayed from the moment I went into labor. I had believed with all my heart, and prayed countless hours for my labor. It wasn’t what I had expected at all. It was HARD. Some women say that they just want to die… I didn’t want to die, I just wanted it all to stop. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t in control. Before then I had been able to dictate almost every area of my life. Now, I was just on the train of pain, and there were no stops or breaks, nope, I had to stay on til’ it was all finished.

After 19 hours of the worst pain I have ever experienced, and some stitches down below, Gabriel was in my arms, nursing, happy. Everything seemed to be going well, but I was bothered inside. Where were the overflowing emotions of love for my baby I had heard numerous mothers talk about? I didn’t feel anything, but sheer exhaustion. I remember feeling relieved that Gabriel was out, but besides that I just felt awkward. What did we do now with this baby?

Cory was such a champ! He was born to be a Dad! From day one it was as if he knew everything Gabriel needed. Really, it seemed that Cory had more maternal instincts than I! I was glad that at least one of us felt some kind of confidence.

That week was the week straight from hell. Seriously. I experienced emotions I have NEVER felt before. I was so depressed that I didn’t know how to live. I remember asking my Mom what was wrong with me. At first, since I have never been depressed a day in my life before then, I thought that I must be so tired. Then I finally realized that I was depressed. On top of all those emotions my breasts were not cooperating with me. I got some very intense breast infections. Wow, talk about painful. The little sleep I could have gotten was interrupted by chills from high fevers and intense episodes of shaking. It is no fun to try and breast feed while you are shaking, freezing, sweating, and your baby is screaming. Thank you Jesus that you got me through that first couple weeks! So, after going through all the emotions of feeling shame, and condemnation that I was a horrible mother… we decided to go with formula. I felt like somehow I had to start enjoying my baby, and maybe this was my lifeline.

Life did get so much easier for me once we switched Gabriel over. Cory could help me feed him, and we could double team a lot more. I needed Cory, so badly at this time. Even now as I think back it makes me cry. He was such a good support to me. He was never once negative or short with me. I was so hard to deal with I’m sure, but he never let on to that. He loved me so well. He prayed with me when I would wake up with night sweats, reliving the trauma of the birth. He would speak truth over me every time I would start to feel like there was no hope.

Every day, every minute, was a fight. There was a real enemy, not to mention a ton of hormones, to fight everyday. I finally realized that most of my depression was closely related to the fact that I though Jesus had abandoned me when I needed him the most. I thought he had forsaken me while I was going through labor. Had he ignored every prayer I had prayed? Had he left me out alone to do it on my own?

Once I got this revelation I could start getting hope and freedom. I will never forget the night my freedom began. Cory and I were listening to the webstream, and our team began to sing Psalm 23. They started literally prophesying over me. That He never left me, He will never leave me. I was balling on the floor. Cory was just speaking truth over me. I began to sing the truth over myself. “You will never leave me, You will never forsake me”. Later we went to the first awakening meeting at FSM. Thank the Lord that I had these to run to!

The next couple of weeks were a slow, but sure victory over depression and oppression. The enemy was out to get me for sure. He was determined to take the gift of motherhood from me! Which brings me to now. Gabriel is 4 ½ months old. The other morning I was in the shower (don’t get to take those very often ;-)), and really asking the Lord some questions. I was about to go to a meeting with a group of people that meant a whole lot to me, and new that now because I am a Mom that we were not going to be able to run together the way we had been. My heart was sad, and I wanted to go into our last meeting together knowing how my Father felt about where I was, and what I was doing. He spoke to me so clearly. “ Anna, the enemy is trying to steel motherhood from you.” As I looked back on the months prior, I realized all the different things that had really been the enemy trying to steal from me the gift of motherhood. I couldn’t believe it! I was so mad at the devil! Then the Holy Spirit went on to tell me that I have to get this mom thing. It’s way bigger than even Gabriel, but I am to be a Mother to many! I have to give myself to this season of motherhood with everything in me. I have to learn to be like Jesus, serving and loving, when no one is looking. This is so imperative to my calling.

When the HS spoke this to me, it was like a light bulb went on in a dark room. I got this zeal inside of me to be a Mother, and to not let the enemy steal this from me! My prayers were fueled to ask for more and more love for my child, and to be taught how to be a good Mom.

Now, I feel my heart overflowing. Even right now I’m crying. I am so in love with my little boy. He is the joy of my heart. His little smiles and bright little eyes cause my heart to erupt with emotion! How wise it was of the Lord to send me such a gift. You see, Gabriel doesn’t just need me… I have needed him. He is my gift to teach me how to love, serve, and so much more. He has brought more joy into my home than could ever be contained inside of the biggest buildings in the world. I will be a Mom, and with the grace of God working in me, I will be a darn good one! Yes, I am stilled called to be a prophetic singer, teacher, and so on, but my calling has expanded and been promoted to that of a Mother too. Oh that I would be able to be the Mother God intended me to be, and that I would carry that heart for many in the years to come.

So, yes, I feel the fog lifting, and excitement/zeal/and love arising in my heart. Oh the possibilities before me! Oh the adventures, and stories that are awaiting me! I am a Mother, and this will not be stolen from me!!! ~Anna

Mounting Urgency

A strange turn of events is making this house situation a little more intense. So far, nothing has changed from my last update concerning the house we want, but the one we are in is becoming an issue. We've been noticing a pattern that has escalated very quickly, which makes our prayer request more urgent. I'll explain.

Most of you know this, but Zack's parents moved from Phoenix in November and have been living with us since that time. The Lord opened the doors to move here, but Bruce (Zack's father) has had trouble finding work in KC, and not for lack of effort. As a general contractor, the job openings here are few and far between. Anita (Zack's mother) is the head of a ministry based in Turkey, and travels there several times a year. We've been grateful to offer a place of them to stay, albeit a small place, but with that comes a more sickness than usual.

Zack has had chronic sinus congestion and a cough since January, which sometimes gets better for a couple days, but then quickly goes back into a severe cold. Bruce takes blood-pressure medication that causes him to cough here and there, but the last few months have been awful for him, and he now coughs so often and so hard that it causes him to gag. Anita has been sick with a cold for a month now, but has not been able to get out of bed for three days. She has never been this sick in her life, and Bruce is moving her to my sister-in-law's house for a few days to see if she can improve.

The worst is that Natalie has no immune system to fight all the nastiness going around in this house, and has been sick on and off as long as Zack has. Somehow I only suffer slight congestion, a slight sore throat and the occasional cough, but with all of this we have realized several issues that have been contributing. Primarily the basement is the source. It's an unfinished basement, and I have been down there all of three times EVER for good reason. It's dank, with only an outdoor entrance, and with broken gutters, lots of water now ends up there. Obviously the furnace is down there, and though we would love to just replace the filter to clean the air upstairs, the furnace does not have a place to put a new filter because some genius decided to invent a "built-in" filter. One problem, buddy: when it stops working you have to replace the WHOLE FURNACE!* Everything in the air down in the basement is coming up through the vents- thus the sickness.

*side note: when I'm fired up I get sassy.

Anyway, the point is that our prayer focus has expanded. We're praying for provision, but with an emphasis on MERCY. None of us has felt well in months, and the situation is getting worse and worse at such a rapid rate that we need out desperately. It's a little unnerving because I hate that Natalie is suffering as well, so we're asking everyone to pray.

I'll be sure to keep you updated.

Carrie

Safe Travels

hello wonderful ladies- I just have a simple prayer request for Nate and I as we travel this weekend with the boy. We are leaving early (early, early, early) at 3:30am to catch a 5:30am flight to Cincinnati where we will be ministering at the House of Prayer there as well as seeing my mom. Please pray that the traveling would be easy for Jed and us, that the Lord would move in power (words of wisdom, knowledge, prophecy, etc.) through us as we minister and spend time with my mom, that He would awaken hearts and draw them deeper into the knowledge of who He is, and establish them in His House.

Bek and Carrie will also be traveling with their families this weekend so pray for them as well :)

rach

Tests in Prevailing Faith

Today we have heavy hearts. We are still praying for a miracle, but it doesn't exactly remove the sting of the day. Zack and I are leaving for a conference we are speaking at on Thursday, so we wanted to get as much done as possible in moving forward with the house. Unfortunately we did not receive good news. One lender who was labeled the "miracle-worker" informed us that we have no hope of receiving a loan. Bills paid late from 5 years ago amounted to bad credit. He probably could have said it more delicately than he did, but managed to throw in, "I don't know how ANYONE could get you a loan right now!"

Thanks, dude.

We are currently waiting to hear back from another lender who is a little more tactful and has been in the business longer, but the last we heard from him is that we need another $9,400 to qualify for a loan. $20,000 is not the full 20% that they need to secure a loan for us, and now with the latest on our situation counting against us we're limping a bit.

Until we have the report confirmed by the other lenders we've been contacting, we're assuming it's just that this one guy is incapable of pulling off a loan, but please keep praying for us. We're not sure how to move forward or what it is that is the Lord's path in this time for us. Pray for wisdom, finances, miracles.

Thank you so much for your intercession! It has been so precious to know so many are behind what we're doing and believing the Lord for breakthrough beyond man's ability.

Wash Wizard

Through a strange set of circumstances i ended up at a laundrymat last friday. Now don't get me wrong. I've used laundry mats a few times before on road trips, but usually with a group of people i knew, and i did not have any children yet. Thankfully I ended up only having to bring Liberty. Which was still quite a site. Here's why, I bought a new comforter set for our bed and i normally like to wash things before i use them. The comforter i got was so plush that i wasn't sure if it would fit in my washer, but i tried anyways. With a good shove i would prevail!
Not.

I probably wouldn't have worried about it and just sprayed it down with some febreeze to get rid of the 'new' smell, but my husband was already not to keen on using the new set (he's a bit resistant to change) and he definitely didn't like the idea of unknown chemicals from a warehouse in china touching him.

So here i am walking onto the laundry mat with a giant white comforter in hand and a carseat in the other. All the while trying not to let the comforter touch anything dirty like a car or a wall. The manager of the place saw me coming and opened the door for me. This was somewhat unexpected.

Outside the place looked run down there was an extremely faded sign "Wash Wizard coin Laundry" and a haphazard parking lot. But once i came inside it was very clean and the benches and machines were surprisingly shiny. I ended up reading the mystery of children. i was struck by how peaceful it was there. It was actually a wonderful place to read. The drone of the washing machines and dryers spinning kept a nice hum that took the edge of of the active world outside. And there was something else i noticed. Everyone there knew they were there for a while and there was lots of waiting going on. But not an anxious waiting, like when people are in line at the DMV or rushing to get home from a supermarket. I could actually feel the Lord very strong and his love for people. It is a great place to people watch, eavesdrop conversations and pray blessing on people who obviously have no washer and dryer at home and are making the best of their life.
I thought i would share this story because in the bubble of my life and routine, i found joy in the midst of an undesired circumstance, and left feeling priviledged to have spent an hour waiting with strangers.

PS my husband likes the comforter and shams very much.
-Carla

Mark Gungor

Hey guys, this is the link to one of the clips of the 3 dvds i was talking about that rachel owns. it's that "laugh your way to a better marriage" teaching i talked about a few mondays ago. if you want to see more clips of them just search for "mark gungor" on youtube. here is the mens and womens brains clip...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM

you all encourage and challenge my heart before the Lord... Love you all.
Bekah

At the days end....

Just walked in the door from a long day at work.... and my heart is feeling so alive as I walk in my front door I felt like writing would be a good way to let it all out. I hear the awakening on the webstream in the backround, my husband mopped the floors, and most importantly I know my baby girl is close by. I love that feeling!

I think I have said this to KJ over and over... I love my job but at the end of the day all my heart wants to do is be a mommy! I am glad to be able to support my husband, it really is my pride and joy! Plus, he gets to spend much needed alone time with Francy as her daddy. This makes him feel really special and he has really bonded with her over the past few months. Although, my days are busy at work my heart is always at home with Francy. I am constantly checking in on her and begging my husband to send me pictures. I know it's silly but I am constantly thinking about how she is, or what she is doing and worrying about all the details I have no control over. I know daddy does a great job but I still can't help but want to be with her every moment of every day! Not realistic I know but it really puts such a deep appreciation in my heart for the rest of the week when it's just me and her and Jesus. Oh how precious are the days and how sweet are the nights (especially when we both sleep through them). I cannot believe how fast this past year has been. Literally the fastest year of my life.

I know that being a mommy means different things to everyone.... for some it comes as easy as breathing and others it takes more effort but at the end of the day our children move our hearts in a way no other person can. It's like being intoxicated on love. I am not sure if I am the only one that feels this way but since I have had Frances I felt this nagging joy that seems to over shadow my days. It's knowing that something special is going to happen each and every day. Perhaps I am a little romantic in my views but even this past week I have just felt so over joyed and just kissed by Jesus' love for me in being a mother! It really is my life ministry before Him! He has given me Himself in all things and I get to impart that knowledge to my children! Who needs platforms when mom's have a captive audience each and every day.... and an adoring one at that. Wow.... how intense is that! My little audience is watching me to show her what He looks like. What do I do with my time, my energy, my emotions, my words??? Even though she is so young she is a little copy cat. She pays attention and I want what I do to reflect Him.

Any way I am also a rambler.... but mostly just want to keep on encouraging you all on your journey's as mom's. What you do counts! We really do rock the world and have a lasting impact on the eternal souls of our children! It is so very important BUT don't let the weight of it weigh you down or let it overwhelm you. Let it be a sobering knowledge that flings you into His arms at every turn. In the ups and downs... and the knowing and the unknowing. There are days when all I know is all I don't know but He is sufficient for me and her and that is really all that matters.

Oh Sweet Jesus, teach us to lean deeper into your grace and goodness at every turn. That the cry in Your heart for our children would become the deepest cries of our hearts as well. That in all things we would point them to You. That we would find joy in these gifts that you have given us and treasure them just as you treasure them. That you would lead us as mothers into the deep things of your Spirit. That our homes would be filled with the knowledge of God and that You would have the preeminence in all things! ~Amen~

HA! night..... I will try not to ramble so next time. *Liesl*

Morning Thoughts

Jed and I just got back from our hour long visit to the prayer room this morning. Man, if you want a nice time to be there that is free from crowd, go on Friday mornings (if you can manage getting up and out of the house early). Since Jed is somewhat of an early riser I have taken this as an excuse to go in the mornings with my husband from 7ish-8:30ish (I am becoming more and more settled with the 'ish' in my schedule thanks to Jed). Before I was prego 6ams were on my schedule 5-6 days a week and now I am delighted to return to them for a season. I know that this is a season because once Jed starts moving more and baby number 2 comes along (as of yet he/she is only a dream) going to the prayer room will become harder and harder. But I am delighting in this opportunity for the now. I just wanted to share this with you ladies because, like I said, I am excited that I can be there for an hour or so each day and wanted to let you have a glimpse into my little life.

I love waking up and being able to 'jump start' my heart, so to speak, by being in the house of the Lord surrounded with people worshiping and interceeding. For some of you your mornings in the house of the lord are spent in your literal house- this is the amazing part of the Holy Spirit being with us- we can experience Him wherever we are!!! He is not isolated to a single location but living and breathing within us wherever we are! Thank you Jesus! I want to recognize and experience You and Your heart wherever I am today. I want to have a heart overflowing in gratitude for all that you have given to me even when it means I can't go to the HOP as much as I would like.

As I provoke my own heart to be thankful for the season that I am in and to find Him in the entirety of it I hope to do the same for you. Let's just thank Him for His nearness to us today and ask Him for the grace to walk with Him through the ups and downs that this day may bring.

I love you ladies and I am excited for what the Lord has for us as we walk this journey together.

Rach

The Highlight of My Week

I could not wait to tell you what just happened to us yesterday. For the last week, after receiving prophetic word after prophetic word regarding finances, our prayers were filled with faith. The lender we spoke to just recently gave us the confidence that no one else had regarding approval for a home loan. My excitement was running high with no circumstantial changes until we were sitting around our weekly "family dinner". Zack decided to take the phone call. He had just gotten the words, "I NEED to call this person back! I keep forgetting!" but before the last word was fully out of his mouth, it was them on the phone. He and the person calling (who will remain nameless) had been playing phone tag for a couple of weeks.
He left the room to chat. He picked up and heard no "hello" but rather, "The Bible says that we are to do everything in word and in deed as unto the Lord, so in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I am giving you $10,000." Zack was flabbergasted and about to speak, but was interrupted quickly by the person on the other end of the line, "AND in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I want to give Carrie $10,000."

Zack was blown away, and I had no idea. He didn't want to say anything to the whole family because the others know the donor, and they specified that they wanted to remain anonymous. I had to feed Natalie in the middle of dinner, so I left the room and Zack followed me and proceeded to tell me the story. I am overcome by the kindness and provision of the Lord! So today Friday the 19th, $20,000 will be wired to our account! Today we will be visiting the house we plan to put a contract on as soon as the loan is approved.

Zack and I were talking last night, and I was talking about how incredible this whole process has been in the divine leadership of the Holy Spirit. He invited us into partnership, we took Him up on His invitation, and He took us up on our "yes". It's been the most sovereign season I can remember related to obedience and faith. Thank you all for praying!!!!!

I just have two more prayer requests: one is that we will have favor with the lenders we end up going with and get approved quickly, and that the house we want will not sell before we have a chance to put on contract on it. It's likely that this will be a very fast process, which is WONDERFUL. We wanted to get all of this sorted out before ATC started this summer, and it looks like it will. Personally, I would have NO problems if we started moving in 2 weeks!

Thank you again for your prayers!!!

I'll Go!!!

As many of you know, we are trying to buy a house, but have had difficulty because Zack has no credit history, and we were told that mine doesn't count towards loan approval since I don't bring in any income, but two things happened yesterday: the first is that Zack spoke with a lender who was incredibly helpful. He said it was absurd that we were told my credit history wouldn’t count towards us getting approved for the loan with or without my bringing in any income, and that credit history is not the only thing to have. It always sounded like we had no hope of approval because of Zack's lack of credit. He said that approval is easy if we have the house picked out (which we SO DO!) and have a 10-20% down payment. Obviously, we don't have $10,000, but money is easy compared to creating credit history out of thin air!
The second part is just as exciting, but is now a little more nerve-wracking. The sellers of the house that we love have listed the price $18,000 less than their original price!!!! This means we're even better off because if we do put even 10% down, our mortgage will be at least $200 LESS than what we've been paying for our current house, even with taxes and insurance! The scary part is that it could sell fast. *gulp* I guess this is where faith comes in!
So we would LOVE prayer!!! You can read about the vision we have for our house at our support blog.

That's all from me for now!

Carrie

Inspiration for title of blog: Wallace's poem on motherhood

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle
Is The Hand That Rules The World

Blessings on the hand of women!
Angels guard its strength and grace,
In the palace, cottage, hovel,
Oh, no matter where the place;
Would that never storms assailed it,
Rainbows ever gently curled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy's the tender fountain,
Power may with beauty flow,
Mother's first to guide the streamlets,
From them souls unresting grow--
Grow on for the good or evil,
Sunshine streamed or evil hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission
Here upon our natal sod!
Keep, oh, keep the young heart open
Always to the breath of God!
All true trophies of the ages
Are from mother-love impearled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of women!
Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,
And the sacred song is mingled
With the worship in the sky--
Mingles where no tempest darkens,
Rainbows evermore are hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

William Ross Wallace

Rocking the Cradle and Ruling the World

This site is dedicated to the sharing of thoughts, stories, poems, book quotes, sweet moments and random inspiration. That we (as a mom's group) would provoke one another in love and good works; that Christ would be glorified in us and through us.

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Thanks for checking it out!

Kjirsten Steeno (ahem Berglund) : )